Today I cried...

We recently began the processing of having Shelby re-evaluated. We as a team (us, her teacher, her doctor, and therapists) feel that there may be something a bit 'more' going on with her as of lately.

We can't really put our 'finger' on it. She has always been such a complex child that it has made it really hard to do alot of things when it comes to figuring her out.

The good part about this whole process is she is now 6, and this is a 'magic' age as there are more questions and more tests that we can do and have done to help us figure out the best way to help her. This is where my tears came in.

We had an appointment with her psychologist today and I handed in the mountain of paperwork that you are all familiar with. As the doctor was looking and it she was nodding her head and you could tell she was processing the information her self. She asked some questions that weren't on the forms and are best answered out loud.  The question that struck me the hardest was the question about is she social.

You see Shelby is a very social little girl, she just isn't socially appropriate. She would much rather hang out with adults or much younger children. It's not that she doesn't like children her age, she does... she just has started to realize that they don't like her. Well maybe not 'don't like her' per say, but lets face it, what 6 year old can really put up with half of the things that Shelby does to regulate herself and her body... I'm her mother and there are days that I just want to yell to the heavens "Please for the love of all things holy get yourself under control'... and I'm an adult.

Shelby has slowly gone from wanting to play imagination games with friends at school - like house, shopping, dolls etc, and has moved to doing activities by herself, alone. She has started to actually lose the ability to say some words properly and let's face it... its down right scary. I have always heard parents of autistic children describe the process of 'losing' their child and I gave the typical "I can't imagine what that must be like" response and tried to be there to support my friends and fellow mothers etc, but I am starting to feel that same way myself.

There are days that you look at Shelby and she is off in her own little world and no matter how many times you say her name or what you do to get her attention... she just can't hear you. And it is because of this I cried.

My little girl is one of the most amazing children you could ever be blessed to meet... she at 6 years old would give you the clothes off her back and the food off her plate because she cares that much about people. She always wants to make sure that others are ok and that everything is 'right'... but at the end of the day.. things aren't 'right'... they are so very wrong, and so not what I had planned for my family and especially not what I had planned for my child.

So today I cried... and not that pretty silent cry that some woman have perfected... that nasty messy sobbing, snotty cry that makes you look like complete crap for hours after you have stopped. But let's face it, I felt a little bit better.